Three Boys and a Sh*tstorm
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Meet the Family

The Oldest (16)

đź‘‘ Codename: The Philosopher in Gym Shorts

Diagnosis: ADHD (hyperactive subtype, with a side of "Why are you in the pantry again?")

Vibe: Equal parts deep thinker and chaotic gremlin. Can hold a debate on existentialism while falling off a swivel chair.

Special Skills:

  • Will read a 600-page fantasy novel in one day, but forgets to wear deodorant for three.

The Upper-Middle (11)

đź‘‘ Codename: The Tender-Hearted Bulldozer

Diagnosis: Placeholder diagnosis

Vibe: Placeholder vibe description

Special Skills:

  • Placeholder skills

Daughter

đź‘‘ Codename: The Spark and the Wildfire

Diagnosis: (depending on the provider, the day, and the phase of the moon): ADHD, ODD, DMDD, Bipolar, and Autism Spectrum traits

Vibe: Emotional demolition expert in glitter leggings. She can charm a stranger, destroy a bedtime routine, and convince a teacher she needs extra help with the alphabet—all before breakfast.

Special Skills:

  • Pretends not to know things she definitely knows—like how to capitalize a letter, tell time, or complete a worksheet—just to fish for adult attention and dodge expectations
  • Masters power dynamics by performing helplessness, particularly around new adults or those eager to “help”
  • Respects authority outside the home in a way that’s both impressive and infuriating
  • Uses affection strategically, often saving her sweetest moments for the evening, just after a full day of manipulation and sabotage

The youngest (5)

đź‘‘ Codename: The Tender-Hearted Bulldozer

Diagnosis: Placeholder diagnosis

Vibe: Placeholder vibe description

Special Skills:

  • Placeholder skills

đź’Ą Mom

đź‘‘ Codename: Executive Director of All Things Unhinged

Diagnosis: ADHD, low-tolerance-for-BS

Vibe: Highly caffeinated, emotionally intelligent, and full of gallows humor. A walking contradiction in yoga pants and Crocs.

Special Skills:

  • Can recite therapy acronyms, make dinner, and advocate like a full-blown attorney—simultaneously and without blinking. Still knows which kid likes which type of pasta. Never knows what day it is.

đź›  Dad

👑 Codename: The Calm in the Chaos (Unless He’s Not)

Diagnosis: ADHD, low testosterone, RCPD (look it up—yes it’s real), and gas. So much gas.

Vibe: A rare mix of systems-thinker, spiritual seeker, and tired-as-hell parent trying to reverse-engineer both human behavior and divine intention—usually while unclogging something.

Special Skills:

  • Debugs both code and children, sometimes simultaneously
  • Writes cleaner code than most of humanity, but lives in a house where nothing follows logic—not the children, not the emotional outbursts, not even the goddamn dishwasher
  • Builds emotional scaffolding and back-end systems, often on the same whiteboard
  • Reads scientific studies on trauma and metabolic function for fun, then cross-references them at bedtime like some dads read murder mysteries
  • Smells like coffee, disappointment, and quiet resilience
  • Turns every mundane task into a high-efficiency workflow that no one else appreciates, but everyone benefits from